The Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison is one of the heaviest books I've ever read so far (besides The Autobiography of Malcolm X.) This was the first book that I've read that has first-person narration that I swear could have been me. The trials and tribulations of trying to find yourself by following others only to get rejected once you start thinking for yourself is a dilemma that I have dealt with all of my life.
One of my biggest issues in life has been being able to deal with rejection regardless of working hard to impress others. Throughout my public school years I was always the weird kid who was too square to be cool and too dumb to be a nerd. I was basically an only child during those days who moved around different environments a whole lot.
Like so many other Black kids growing up in Highland Park during the 1980s, I was bused to Mary Munford Elementary School during the very last days of busing. What was good about this period was that I never learned to prejudge others based on race and instead focused on how they were as people. I had two best friends who on the surface were polar opposites; in second grade it was David, a White kid who lived in a suburb and who had two parents living under the same roof who never gave him beatings (which was eye-opening for a kid who used to get his behind wore out even over the most trivial things.) I don't know how David and I clicked in school, but we just did and were even accused of being sissies because we were so close. The friendship ended when David's family moved to South Bend, Indiana during the summer of 1986, and he even wrote a letter (I wish I had the chance to write him back but well.....)
My second best friend in elementary school was this kid named Frank. This was when I was in the fourth grade (or fifth grade - I forget.) I don't know this friendship came about either, but we were tight. Frank and I had a lot more in common than I had on the surface than I had with David; we were both Black kids who weren't the coolest nor the smartest (or anything that usually made someone stand out in elementary school.) We were also raised mostly by our mothers but who had fathers we remained on good terms with even though it could be hard reaching them sometimes. This friendship ended when we graduated from elementary school and moved on to different middle schools. The last time I actually saw Frank was in the fall of 1990, when I was playing youth football for Hotchkiss Field Community Center. During one particular game, Frank played on the opposing team (I forgot who they were) but we did remember each other.
Anyway, the reason I cherish those friendships was that for the first time I was able to take delight in being myself while still connecting with someone else. I didn't have to correct my supposedly poor speech (I had to take Speech throughout kindergarten) nor I didn't have to force my best friend to follow me around. I believe that these friendships actually saved me from withdrawing all the way from a society that seems to respect nothing but mainstream and individuality cults. Throughout elementary school (which is a time that most of us usually don't know any better), I used to act dumb on purpose and act a fool just to try and fit in with the "cool" kids and that didn't work. I then tightened up my grades and tried to work my way into the "smart" kid's clique (even being part of extracurricular programs that you would have to qualify academically for) and for a period even adapted the prejudices of this clique, only to feel rejected. I would alternate between being smart and dumb until I finally realized that this was all a joke. I began to be myself (which I thought was myself) when I started middle school. All of a sudden I was known as the quiet kid, and with a few exceptions, I was nagged to death about how I would be liked more if I started talking more. When I did talk, the only responses wouldn't be focused on what was I was saying but would be things like "Oh my god, he's talking!!!" or whatever. Deep down this bothered me and caused me to go deeper into my shell.
This is to be continued.........
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