Ralph Ellison's The Invisible Man

The Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison is one of the heaviest books I've ever read so far (besides The Autobiography of Malcolm X.)  This was the first book that I've read that has first-person narration that I swear could have been me.  The trials and tribulations of trying to find yourself by following others only to get rejected once you start thinking for yourself is a dilemma that I have dealt with all of my life.

One of my biggest issues in life has been being able to deal with rejection regardless of working hard to impress others.  Throughout my public school years I was always the weird kid who was too square to be cool and too dumb to be a nerd.  I was basically an only child during those days who moved around different environments a whole lot.  

Like so many other Black kids growing up in Highland Park during the 1980s, I was bused to Mary Munford Elementary School during the very last days of busing.  What was good about this period was that I never learned to prejudge others based on race and instead focused on how they were as people.  I had two best friends who on the surface were polar opposites; in second grade it was David, a White kid who lived in a suburb and who had two parents living under the same roof who never gave him beatings (which was eye-opening for a kid who used to get his behind wore out even over the most trivial things.)  I don't know how David and I clicked in school, but we just did and were even accused of being sissies because we were so close.  The friendship ended when David's family moved to South Bend, Indiana during the summer of 1986, and he even wrote a letter (I wish I had the chance to write him back but well.....)

My second best friend in elementary school was this kid named Frank.  This was when I was in the fourth grade (or fifth grade - I forget.)  I don't know this friendship came about either, but we were tight.  Frank and I had a lot more in common than I had on the surface than I had with David; we were both Black kids who weren't the coolest nor the smartest (or anything that usually made someone stand out in elementary school.)  We were also raised mostly by our mothers but who had fathers we remained on good terms with even though it could be hard reaching them sometimes.  This friendship ended when we graduated from elementary school and moved on to different middle schools.  The last time I actually saw Frank was in the fall of 1990, when I was playing youth football for Hotchkiss Field Community Center.  During one particular game, Frank played on the opposing team (I forgot who they were) but we did remember each other.

Anyway, the reason I cherish those friendships was that for the first time I was able to take delight in being myself while still connecting with someone else.  I didn't have to correct my supposedly poor speech (I had to take Speech throughout kindergarten) nor I didn't have to force my best friend to follow me around.  I believe that these friendships actually saved me from withdrawing all the way from a society that seems to respect nothing but mainstream and individuality cults.  Throughout elementary school (which is a time that most of us usually don't know any better), I used to act dumb on purpose and act a fool just to try and fit in with the "cool" kids and that didn't work.  I then tightened up my grades and tried to work my way into the "smart" kid's clique (even being part of extracurricular programs that you would have to qualify academically for) and for a period even adapted the prejudices of this clique, only to feel rejected.  I would alternate between being smart and dumb until I finally realized that this was all a joke.  I began to be myself (which I thought was myself) when I started middle school.  All of a sudden I was known as the quiet kid, and with a few exceptions, I was nagged to death about how I would be liked more if I started talking more.  When I did talk, the only responses wouldn't be focused on what was I was saying but would be things like "Oh my god, he's talking!!!" or whatever.  Deep down this bothered me and caused me to go deeper into my shell.

This is to be continued.........

Day 4 of fast - continued

I just have to say that I'm hanging in there.  I never realized the attachment I had to food until now.  Dealing with food (especially if not eaten mindfully) is a vice no different than alcohol, and my lifelong obsession with food is now causing me some serious withdrawal problems.  I really feel like cutting the water fast from ten days to five and drink just tea and juice for the next five days.  

This is my first fast, and I have to realize that being logical about doing a ten-day water fast is more important than pressing on just to please my ego (at the expense of my overall health.)  I'm surprised that I made it this far.

Starting Day 4 of my fast

I originally planned to do a water fast for three days (up to New Year's Day.)  But now I plan to extend it to ten days and hope I can persevere without suffering any physical damage.

I think I started this fast on a whim and only read out it after not eating for an entire day.  It's normal for me to almost go through one day eating nothing, and those days probably averaged about once a month.  I had a heavy meal with my father the last day I ate, and it was only until I was on my second day did I surf the web for fasting articles.  Each article I came across mentioned that fasters should prepare for and end each fast with fresh juices and/or raw foods.  I do plan to end the fast with juices.  One thing that I have yet to be clear on is whether or not a  multivitamin should be taken on each day.  I have read arguments from both sides, but I decided to take vitamins because this is my first actual fast.    

The hunger pains associated with the initial days happened like I figured, but I'm used to them.  I do feel extremely relaxed but using the bathroom has been a weird experience that I usually deal with when I'm extremely sick (looking back, I think I kind of fasted but with orange juice only - but that was because I wasn't strong enough to eat solid foods.)  I make sure to drink lots of distilled water on each day.

I mentioned that I originally planned to end my fast on New Year's, but earlier today I had a serious urge to eat some of my birthday cake (my birthday was the same day I had my last meal.)  Other than that, I have no desire for things that I would mindlessly eat like potato chips, candy bars, cookies, sodas, and whatever junk food was around the house.  I live with my father, and he loves to cook big meals.  A lot of those meals are real good but I'm a part-time health nut who is trying to live a long and vital life (God-willing.)  Thinking of my father's meals plus foods like pizza threaten my willpower to continue on this fast.  My dark side tells me to go on an eat one bite; no one will know.  But I'm too aware of myself to settle for just one bite of anything.  Not to mention that the fast is a good mental and spiritual test; almost all attachments that I have dealt with all of my life seem to loosen up as each day passes.

Since I'm on hiatus from school, I use this time to read, meditate, watch a little TV (literally a little - like 1 and 1/2 to 2 hours daily) and post these blogs.  I decided to close both of my Myspace accounts plus my Facebook account for the time being just so I can keep my focus on this fast.  I also cut down my practice time a lot and only do finger exercises away from the piano (which usually takes about five minutes.)  I am singing more though.

If I succeed with this ten-day fast I will really be proud of myself for exercising self-discipline that I felt I lacked all of my life.  During this period I had a chance to think about my long-term goals and to be patient and mindful enough to go through with them.  I really want to go to Amsterdam this year and I want to get back to playing regularly (actually I never really played regularly but I played more before than I'm playing now - which is never.)  I just want to share the music with the world and become a millionaire just like everyone else (ha-ha.)