Personal demons

How many of us actually stop running and learn to embrace what we fear/hate within ourselves?

Prince's Purple Rain -to the rescue

Purple Rain is one of my most favorite movies of all time. Not because of the acting but because of the music and the campiness of the early-mid 1980s that I found fascinating as a five-year old kid (I was a huge fan of early MTV, Video Soul, and any other video program that existed during that time.) I used to know every line and scene of Purple Rain by heart and almost remember everything even today.

One thing that is interesting was that I was crazy about every song on the soundtrack except for the title song. It couldn't be because it was a ballad because I was and still am a fan of The Beautiful Ones (I even have a composition inspired by the melody of the bridge.) Maybe it was that the message of the song Purple Rain was too heavy to me as a kid.

I listened to the entire Purple Rain album recently and realized that I needed the title song to grow on me. The lyrics perfectly describe a current friendship that I'm in right now that seems to be hanging by a thread. I'm posting the lyrics below and I hope that Prince doesn't try to sue or get my site shut down because of it (that's another topic for another day.)

*******************************

Purple Rain (Prince & The Revolution)

I never meant 2 cause u any sorrow
I never meant 2 cause u any pain
I only wanted 2 one time see u laughing
I only wanted 2 see u laughing in the purple rain

Purple rain purple rain
Purple rain purple rain
Purple rain purple rain

I only wanted 2 see u bathing in the purple rain

I never wanted 2 be your weekend lover
I only wanted 2 be some kind of friend
Baby I could never steal u from another
Its such a shame our friendship had 2 end

Purple rain purple rain
Purple rain purple rain
Purple rain purple rain

I only wanted 2 see u underneath the purple rain

Honey I know, I know, I know times are changing
Its time we all reach out 4 something new
That means u 2
U say u want a leader
But u cant seem 2 make up your mind
I think u better close it
And let me guide u 2 the purple rain

Purple rain purple rain
Purple rain purple rain

If you know what Im singing about up here
Cmon raise your hand

Purple rain purple rain

I only want 2 see u, only want 2 see u
In the purple rain

Deconstruction/reconstruction

As a musician, I really love what I do and will never dream of giving it all up. But sometimes I feel that I just have to stop everything and just let things marinate. I realize that I had to work a little harder than what seems to be the norm because of me being a late-bloomer (starting piano at age 19.)

I have come a long way to realize that the euphoria and depression involved with being an artist can really get to a person if they aren't centered as a human being. Sometimes I feel that I get so wrapped up in trying to be better than I am already that I end up hating my own playing, not realizing that I am blessed to even have the ability to do music in the first place.

This and other things (see other posts below) are keeping me one step away from having a nervous breakdown. I've flipped a couple times before over the same things and had to take a break just to sort out the B.S. in my life. If I have to take a couple of months or a year to get back into performing and networking with fellow musicians in Richmond, so be it. I'd rather do that than let the bitterness get to me and cause me to give everything up. That's suicide, and suicide isn't cool (at least to me.)